Figured I would just get that out of the way. I’ve spent the last thirteen years of my life trying to get people to listen to my favorite band. That’s the hard part, actually. Getting them to listen. Once they’re listening, it’s usually getting them to admit that they’re enjoying the music. You see, people have this thing where they think it’s cool to hate on Hanson and therefore I usually end up wasting a lot of time dispelling myths, so I’m going to get those out of the way real fast:

1. No, they’re not gay. All married. Have children.

2. Yes, they're men. Not girls. No girls in this band. This is not ABBA.

3. Yes, they’re all grown up now: twenty-four, twenty-seven, and twenty-nine. And good-looking, in case you were wondering.

4. No, they didn’t sell out. They have their own independent record label, 3CG Records.

5. No, they are not one hit wonders. Just a month ago, Hanson released their fifth studio album, Shout It Out. It’s amazing. Go buy it right now. It would really save me a lot of time, actually, if everyone just listened to it. Then I wouldn’t have to convince you with my words, I could just convince you with their music.

Because that’s how I usually do it: put on a Hanson CD under a fake name and let people listen, like it, love it, bob their head to it. Oh snap! That was Hanson! It’s like getting punk’d only way, way better, because this is the best band alive. Or not alive, it’s just a technicality, really. They’re also better than dead or undead bands. Hanson: rockin’ out and slayin’ vampires… musically speaking, of course.

So, are we all past the stereotypes now? Maybe, maybe not, but whatever. Put your issues aside. No one is judging you right now. They won’t know that you secretly still dance around your kitchen to MMMBop every now and then. It’s okay, we all do—I mean, did. Did. Definitely in the past tense. Not, like, yesterday or anything when the dishes needed washing and no one was home and you could just belt out 90’s pop music like it’s all that exists in the universe while scrubbing last night’s lasagna from a spatula.

Now, on to the music. That’s why we’re all here, right? The Music? I wish I could transcribe Hanson: write their songs into sentences, the notes into words, and the beat into syllables. It seems impossible. How do I make you feel the groove of a tiny plastic pick over metal strings, the resonance of wood pounding against a taut membrane, the quick dance of fingers over ivory keys? Or the three part harmony, like layers of earth converging, a soulful note erupting like hot magma, flowing, overtaking everything until it cools against a backdrop of brass and bass.

That’s what Hanson feels like to me. Like the right words in the perfect order, like a great symphony of raw materials: metal and wood and plastic and ivory and flesh, like an act of God, sweeping through existence, consuming all matter and leaving a wasteland of sound in its path.

“Hanson was here.”

And they’re always here, really, in my ears, trapped in my brain. Whether it’s cigars in the summertime or under the fan in the room where the passion’s burning high, it’s always Penny and me tonight. Actually, it’s Hanson and me, but that’s the whole point of the song. Whether I roll the windows down, turn the radio up and push the pedal to the ground, or on the plane, step with both my feet, riding in seat number three on a flight to NYC, Hanson is there.

Isaac, Taylor, and Zac sent over eighty demos to their record label while attempting to create their third album, Underneath. All of them were sent back, rejected, not good enough, but as they pushed on, kept trying to figure out what some old guy in an office wanted, they held on to one little treasure: Penny. She was turned down, but otherwise untouched by producers and engineers and men in suits. Like a precious child floated down river to safety, Penny was saved and blossomed as the three musicians broke away from Island Def Jam and formed 3CG Records. The song was their first singe from the album, which debuted at number one on the independent music charts.

So, why should you listen to Hanson? I haven’t played you any of their music, or quoted all my favorite lyrics, of which there are hundreds. I have three hundred and twenty Hanson songs on my iTunes. Their latest single, Thinking ‘Bout Somethin’ has well over a thousand plays. My family has assured me that this is insanity and that no one can possibly have that much free time. I wonder if they know me at all.

Hell, I haven’t even reached the word limit on this challenge. I could say more about them. I could tell you about how three boys from Oklahoma might just change the life you think you’re going to lead. Or I could tell you to get your ass up out of your seat right now and start dancing to the amazing cowbell on Thinking ‘Bout Somethin’. I know you’ve got a fever and it’s the only prescription.

All in all, I can’t make you listen to Hanson. Most people don’t. They’re missing out, but that won’t stop the rock, no. They’ll just keep “doing what [they’ve] been doing for [eighteen] years: making music, putting out records, going crazy.”

AlsogobuytheirnewCD,ShoutItOut.

What? Subliminal messages? Never.